Imaginary Day

Dear Momma,

It's been awhile. This weekend we went back home.

It had been time to clean out my bedroom for a long time, but I kept putting it off because I knew it would be hard. Not hard because I had to get rid of things, but because I knew I would find things that would rip my heart out.

1. Your robe.
2. Your watch.
3. Your lipstick... so old but smells the same.

I love being home because the house feels like you. It's open and inviting and decorated with the things you loved. I still remember you decorating the house when we first moved in. I remember the old floral couches and the dark wood paneling. I remember how long it took to paint the green wall... what, five coats of paint? I remember when you decided to paint the blue wall. That one is hard because you weren't yourself then. We didn't really understand it, but Dad painted it for you anyway. It still doesn't feel right.

The windows on the back of the house almost make it seem like the inside opens up to the outside. God, looking out at the pasture makes me feel so at peace. I dreaded moving away from the farm and into town but you made it a home. The grass and the garden and the Hostas and the Black-Eyed Susans. The birds and the trees and the bees and the wind chimes. Standing outside with my eyes closed in the breeze... I can pretend you never had to go. I can pretend you're right next to me.

4. Your glasses.
5. Your Blackberry with Duct tape because you dropped it a thousand times.
6. A birthday card you and Dad signed.

I thought we were so different, you and I. You plucked the keys like an artist paints a masterpiece and I never wanted to practice. You spent hours and hours outside while I texted my friends on the couch. You were so patient with every person you met and I had a preteen temper. You asked me to sing and I never really felt like it. Every time we were in the car you played Pat Metheny and I never really understood why someone would want to listen to instrumental music all the time.

7. Our hospital bracelets... from the day I was born.
8. The recording of your funeral.
9. Sheet music-- Be Thou My Vision. One of your favorites.
10. The old piano lamp that lit your sheet music at night.
11. A newspaper article with a photo of my newborn self. I'm jealous of her-- she still had 15 years left with you.

Momma, I'm practicing again. I'm working on bass clef... never quite mastered that. As you know, I always tried to play by ear. You could tell.

My husband and I planted our own garden this year. Tomatoes, peppers, and zinnias... because you loved them. I love being outside and you taught me to appreciate the God-given beauty of the natural world. It's funny how you still manage to teach me from so far away. Still not sold on asparagus. I tried, I swear!

I kind of grew out of the temper, but I do get frustrated pretty easily. I discovered in therapy that I have a fear of losing control... working on that too. Trying to see myself the way you did.

I never stopped singing, Momma. Not a single day goes by without it. I hope you can hear me.

I wanted to share with you one last thing, and it's my favorite. My favorite instrumental pieces... the ones I listen to over and over again:

- The Lion King Orchestra Suite - Hans Zimmer (I cry every time)
- Turning Page (Instrumental) - Sleeping At Last
- Jurassic Park Theme - The Piano Guys
- Carnival of the Animals, R. 125: The Swan - Camille Saint-Saéns
- Holding On - The Piano Guys
- Remember - Hans Zimmer
- Can't Help Falling In Love - Daniel Jang
- Time - Hans Zimmer
- Canon in D, P. 37 - Orpheus Chamber Orchestra (Pachelbel)
- Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major - Anner Bylsma (Bach)
- Fight Song / Amazing Grace - The Piano Guys
- Beauty and the Beast Overture - Alan Menken
- Mercury - Sleeping at Last

Last... Imaginary Day by Pat Metheny.

I like to think we're listening together. I love you.

Han