Inevitably, there are bad days.
I am officially no longer a high school student. I turn 18 in about a week. Today, I feel completely overwhelmed and really, really sad.
Summer means sun and warmth and longer days, but it also means I have a lot more time to think. There are so many things I wish I could talk to my mom about. I spent a lot of today thinking about what I would tell her. Today was one of the bad days. First of all, I'm terrified to go to college. I don't want to leave my home that is filled with so many happy memories of my momma. I'll miss my dog so much that I've honestly considered smuggling him into my dorm. I would tell her about the friends I've made this year, a few in particular that have made a major impact on my life. They mean more to me than they know. I would tell her how much I wish she could have gotten to know them because she would love them just as much as I do. Monday was Memorial Day, a holiday that always reminds me of my grandma and my mom. I would talk to both of them about boys and how confusing and irritating they can be. Girls are complicated...right. My mom always knew what to say and always pointed me in the right direction. My grandma would tell me to pretend boys don't exist and to focus on my schoolwork. (: I would tell my momma about my fears for the future. There are many things I'm unsure about, though I must remember God knows the plan. While my faith keeps me strong, there is nothing more comforting than a mother's hug...something I miss very much. I would talk to her about the things that I don't understand. Why does cancer have to take so many lives? Why couldn't we have had more time? Why is it that on certain days, you seem so far away?
Today, I feel broken in grief but I find comfort...
"God heals the heartbroken and bandages their wounds." Psalm 147:3.
"Our Lord is great, with limitless strength; we'll never comprehend what he knows and does. God puts the fallen on their feet again." Psalm 147:5-6.
"Wait for God. Wait with hope. Hope now; hope always!" Psalm 131:3.
Sometimes, when I really need her, I think maybe I hear her voice as the wind whirls through her favorite wind chimes. My wounds are still healing.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Mother's Day
Today, I wished my mom a happy Mother's Day at the cemetery.
And I cried. Usually, the big days don't get to me. Her birthday, Mother's Day, the day she died...most of the time, I make it through these days without struggling. Today was different.
I went to one of my best friend's graduation party, and on my way home I realized what day it was. I decided to go to the cemetery because it had been awhile, and I was in a good mood. I thought I would talk to her for a little while, and then come home to study. When I walked up to her stone, I was suddenly overwhelmed by the week ahead of me. I have two days left of high school, and I graduate on Sunday...without my mother. My graduation party is on Saturday, and she won't be there to celebrate with me. When I walk across the stage to get my diploma, I won't see her in the audience. She won't be a phone call away as I push through my first year of college. I stood in the middle of the cemetery and cried.
I have a feeling this week will be rough for a lot of reasons, but I have some of the best friends on the planet to help me get through it.
On Mother's Day, children are supposed to honor their mothers. Even though mine isn't here anymore and I need her more than ever, I still celebrate the bright, beautiful woman she was:
Dear Momma,
Happy Mother's Day! This is the third year you've been absent. I miss you very much, but I see you almost every day. It's been raining often, so everything is green and blooming. I see you in the flowers, and I see you in the trees. I see you in the stars at night, and I hear you in everything musical. When an oriole lands on the bird feeder, I hope it's you. I see and hear you in all of the beautiful things in my life. I love you more than I could ever put into words...always and forever.
And I cried. Usually, the big days don't get to me. Her birthday, Mother's Day, the day she died...most of the time, I make it through these days without struggling. Today was different.
I went to one of my best friend's graduation party, and on my way home I realized what day it was. I decided to go to the cemetery because it had been awhile, and I was in a good mood. I thought I would talk to her for a little while, and then come home to study. When I walked up to her stone, I was suddenly overwhelmed by the week ahead of me. I have two days left of high school, and I graduate on Sunday...without my mother. My graduation party is on Saturday, and she won't be there to celebrate with me. When I walk across the stage to get my diploma, I won't see her in the audience. She won't be a phone call away as I push through my first year of college. I stood in the middle of the cemetery and cried.
I have a feeling this week will be rough for a lot of reasons, but I have some of the best friends on the planet to help me get through it.
On Mother's Day, children are supposed to honor their mothers. Even though mine isn't here anymore and I need her more than ever, I still celebrate the bright, beautiful woman she was:
Dear Momma,
Happy Mother's Day! This is the third year you've been absent. I miss you very much, but I see you almost every day. It's been raining often, so everything is green and blooming. I see you in the flowers, and I see you in the trees. I see you in the stars at night, and I hear you in everything musical. When an oriole lands on the bird feeder, I hope it's you. I see and hear you in all of the beautiful things in my life. I love you more than I could ever put into words...always and forever.
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