Two Years

I haven't written a blog post for a long time. Most of you have probably forgotten it even exists. Let me explain.

The last couple of months have been rough for me. I can't explain how or why the sad feelings come flowing back, they just do. Some days I go through the motions without actually understanding what's going on around me. All I can think about is the fact that my mom has been gone for two years and sometimes, it hurts the same way it did on August 12, 2011...and I don't want to talk about it. But I will.

Two years...two years ago my mother died and I held her hand. Two years ago, I attended a funeral I shouldn't have had to attend so early. Two years ago, I rode to the cemetery in the biggest funeral precession I'd ever seen. Two years ago...my closest friends hugged me and we all cried our eyes out as the burial came to an end. There were no words..none needed to be spoken. As my family and I were preparing to leave, my friend Travis hugged me and said, "I'm so sorry." In that moment, I realized something. I was experiencing a nightmare I'd seen in the movies a thousand times. My life had suddenly become a movie in the "Tragedy" section at Mr. Movies. Two years ago...I became the girl that lost her mom at 15.

Now I'm 17. Maybe two years doesn't sound like a long time, but I would give anything to talk to my mother for two minutes. This is my senior year. I have decisions upon decisions to make and to be completely honest, I'm terrified. I will always have never-ending support from my family and friends, but the only person I feel like I really need advice from is my mom. She always knew what to say. She always knew what was right for me. I miss her so much that I can't put it into words. Two years ago, my life changed in a thousand ways..and it's still changing.

Maybe I feel lost right now, but I know it will get better. With such a special woman watching over me...how could it not?

To those of you that may be upset that I haven't talked to you about the way I'm feeling, please don't take it personally. I will always have a hard time expressing my feelings, and this is the best way I know how to do so.