It's happened 14 times since I started keeping track in December. I start to feel unlike myself. It feels like I've been exactly where I am before, like I've experienced exactly what I'm experiencing before, like I've read what I'm reading before. "Deja vu" is as close as I can get to describing this feeling, but it's much more extreme than that. In a minute or two, I feel exhausted, defeated, drained, confused, scared, nauseous--honestly, it feels like I can't go on. It is one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced, and that's saying something because I've been through a lot. It's really scary and emotional and the worst part is that it's so difficult to describe. Friends who have witnessed it tell me I seem absent or a little sad, but wouldn't know anything was happening if I hadn't told them. I keep notes on what was taking place when it happens, and when I go back and read them, the experiences seem unfamiliar. It's almost like they didn't happen at all. I have been anxious and irritable and I haven't spent a lot of time with the people I care about because of that.
As you can imagine, describing these episodes to my dad or even my doctor was pretty difficult. The first time, Dr. M thought they may be related to migraines and suggested I start keeping track (which I did). Yesterday, I had an MRI and again explained to him what was going on. We went through the pictures of my brain and he identified a scar on the far edge of my brain. It was not a new scar. It was a larger scar that appeared on my scans from 2017, but until August, it hadn't been a problem. He told me my notes and descriptions led him to believe this scar was causing me to have seizures--temporal lobe seizures, often identified by odd feelings of déjà vu and fear. Symptoms of this disease were bound to show up eventually.
I'm relieved to have a reason. I'm thankful because this means I'm not crazy. I'm nervous because there will be more testing (an EEG) and more medication (anti-seizure)... but I'm grateful to have an answer. I'm looking forward to waking up in the morning and not being afraid. It has been really scary not knowing when it was going to happen or how awful I would feel. I have not felt like myself in months. I have felt angry, mean, scared, ANXIOUS, sad, and all sorts of feelings that I wouldn't wish on anyone. I'm grateful to have a reason for all of this and I am looking forward to the end of it. I can't wait to feel like myself and act like myself again. Thankful to have my guardian angel with me all the time.
