It takes my breath away like
The ice cold wind chill at 6 am on a Tuesday
It hits me like
Someone slamming on the brakes in front of my car last week
It comes in waves like
the salt water on the Oregon coast
Grief and I have known each other for a long time...
Words don't exist to describe it
The way it feels is impossible to imagine
Its grip is stronger than weight
Stickier than glue
I read her old Facebook posts and emails
...try to grasp onto who she was
Before everything in her brain forgot
Where it was supposed to be ... what it was supposed to do
I stare at her name in my contacts
Wishing I could call // wishing she would answer
I try to imagine the way her voice would sound if
I could tell her how far I've come since fifteen
Missing her so much my heart burns like it's on fire
Smoldering like a bright orange ember
I'm still so angry at the tumor
in her brain that wouldn't let her be my mom
I'm still so angry at the medications
that stole her personality and replaced it with
somebody else
The medications that broke my heart
I remember walking out of the church that day
I remember crying so hard I couldn't breathe
I clung to my sister as
Everyone who came to celebrate her life
realized a funeral is not a celebration at all
I wonder if they can remember the way it felt
I wonder if it hurt for them to breathe
the way it did for me
On August 12 I wasn't even surprised
I had known for a long time
What was going to happen
What I was about to lose
So why is it that six years later
It takes my breath away like
The ice cold wind chill at 6 am on a Tuesday
"Try a day with no negative words." -Sarah Jane, September 8, 2009
