This is a story about how you can't expect another person to fix your heart after a heartbreaking loss. This is a story about how you must love yourself before you try to love someone else.
You are 15. Your mom lost her battle to breast cancer in August, you started your sophomore year of high school the next week. You get through the days forcing a smile and focusing on school. Inside, you are empty. You are lost. You are numb. You are questioning your purpose. You. Are. Fifteen. You don't know what you want.
You start talking to a boy. He is a family friend, he is kind, he is there. You begin to lean on him. You start dating him. You think you are in love. You think you are happy.
At night, you are lost. You are numb. You're still fifteen. You still don't know what you want.
Your boyfriend graduates and you are trying to grasp onto him. You can't handle another loss so you try to control the situation. The relationship begins to turn into a negative spiral of mutual mean words, tears, and more heartbreak.
You hold on because you attached yourself. You hold on because you don't know what life is like without him and without your mom at the same time. You go outside at night and look at the stars and you cry. You ask your mom how to get through this. You ask her what to do. You break down at the realization that she can't answer you.
The next two years of high school fly by. You try to be happy, you try to focus on school and on music. You are on and off and on and off with the same boy. You are 17. You still don't know what you want. You think you do. He knows you don't. It is toxic. You question your worth and you lose yourself. You do not love yourself anymore.
You make new friends senior year. They show you what it's like to have fun again. They make you happy. You love them and they love you and it's real, genuine, "I care about you" love. You graduate. Your mom isn't in the audience. Your friends support you and you get through it with them by your side. You realize that your senior summer is coming to an end and you're all going in separate directions. You have a breakdown. You ask your mom what to do. She can't answer.
You move away from the house that your mother made home. You are in constant contact with your friends. You don't feel that you have lost them because you haven't. They are still there. You are okay. You're still on and off and on and off with a boy who you thought you needed. You don't need each other anymore...he knows it, you do not.
It's summer again and you spend every night with your friends. You find that you're spending less time crying and mourning, more time loving and laughing. You ask yourself why you couldn't let yourself be happy in high school. You realize he was holding you back. You were holding yourself back. You do not need to lean on anyone anymore.
You return to college for your sophomore year. It's been four years since your mom died. It's been four years since you met him. You are starting to love your life again. You are starting to lose contact with him. You begin to reconnect with old friends and you talk every day. You never lost contact with your friends from senior year. They never make you feel like you're losing them. They are always there.
You talk to him. You end it for good. You let go.
You focus on school, you focus on your friends, you focus on yourself. You get a tattoo, you fall in love with a musical, you practice yoga, and you read. You find the 15-year-old who has been trying to show herself since sophomore year of high school.
You meet someone who challenges you in a good way. He is smart and kind and he loves to read as much as you do. He listens to your music and he doesn't complain. You spend more and more time together and he never once makes you question your worth. He makes you feel proud to be who you are.
You realize that for four years you were trying to fill a hole in your heart. You were leaning on someone in hopes that he would take away the pain. You realize that the pain will never go away completely and you can't rely on another person to take away the sadness that is in your heart. You realize that you were fifteen and you were much too young to know what you wanted. You realize that you were so scared to lose him because you had completely lost yourself.
You go outside and look at the stars and you talk to your mom. You know she can't answer but that's okay because this time, you don't have any questions. This time, you want her to know that you're happy. This time, you want her to know that you know who you are. You know she can see that you love yourself again. You feel her warm smile even though she isn't there.
I am grateful to have had my high school boyfriend to lean on for four years. I'm not saying that he was a bad person, I'm saying it was a bad relationship because I was not in any condition to BE in a relationship. I tried to fill a void that could not be filled with anyone but my mom. I lost myself in the process.
I hope that if you are lost, you find yourself and you love yourself before you try to love someone else. You are beautiful and you are worthy of self-love. Do not let another person cloud that vision.
