Hello friends! I've had a hard time trying to articulate how I have felt the last couple of days. I see your posts on Facebook, your tweets, and your cries for help. My heart aches for the minorities in the United States. I can't even find the words to describe how desparately I want to hug my LGBT+ friends who feel that they don't matter.
I guess most of all, I can't stand the hatred. I'm shocked at some of the stories I read, telling of children fearing they will be deported just because of the color of their skin. I fear for the young ones who may spend four years believing that you can make atrocious, sexist comments towards women; that you can mock a reporter with disabilities and claim that a senator is not a war hero because he was a prisoner of war; that you can claim women deserve to be punished for choosing what's right for their own bodies...and still become President of the United States of America.
But here's the thing: I don't dislike you for voting for Donald Trump. You made a decision (hopefully) based on the information you gathered and compared both candidates to your own morals. I can't be mad at you for making the choice you believed was right for you and right for your country. I do not see you any differently and I ask the same of you: that you will not look at me or my fellow Hillary supporters any differently just because we have different opinions. I am VERY aware that she was far from the perfect candidate. Truly, I pray that Donald Trump will be a good leader. I pray that as a country, we can work towards unity once again. I pray that his plans to further divide our country will not move forward.
Finally, I ask that you show love to every person during the next few weeks, months, and years. I ask that you do not judge anyone for taking advantage of their First Amendment rights. Still, I ask that you think about what you post and ask yourself if it's really worth calling your friends "whiny liberals" or "racist conservatives." I understand that it can be tough to put our differences aside, but what's the point of posting hurtful comments? There is a way to share your opinions and beliefs without offending half of your friends list. Let us be tolerant and accepting of differences.
To those of you who feel exiled, unloved, and terrified: I love you. I will not abandon you, I will stand with you in the face of big changes in our country. I can't know exactly how you feel and I'm very privileged to be able to say that, but I will be here for endless support. You. Are. Not. Alone.
If my mother were here, I believe she would have many of the same thoughts. Right now, I feel so blessed that she's watching over me, my friends, and my family. We will need it in the face of changes coming our way. As most of you probably know, she was a PROUD liberal and I'm so glad she was my mom.
P.s. She wrote a lot before she died and in a letter she wrote to my family, she said "KEEP OBAMA IN OFFICE!" If only. I love him and I will miss him so much.
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Monday, June 20, 2016
Let me tell you what I wish I'd known...
This is a story about how you can't expect another person to fix your heart after a heartbreaking loss. This is a story about how you must love yourself before you try to love someone else.
You are 15. Your mom lost her battle to breast cancer in August, you started your sophomore year of high school the next week. You get through the days forcing a smile and focusing on school. Inside, you are empty. You are lost. You are numb. You are questioning your purpose. You. Are. Fifteen. You don't know what you want.
You start talking to a boy. He is a family friend, he is kind, he is there. You begin to lean on him. You start dating him. You think you are in love. You think you are happy.
At night, you are lost. You are numb. You're still fifteen. You still don't know what you want.
Your boyfriend graduates and you are trying to grasp onto him. You can't handle another loss so you try to control the situation. The relationship begins to turn into a negative spiral of mutual mean words, tears, and more heartbreak.
You hold on because you attached yourself. You hold on because you don't know what life is like without him and without your mom at the same time. You go outside at night and look at the stars and you cry. You ask your mom how to get through this. You ask her what to do. You break down at the realization that she can't answer you.
The next two years of high school fly by. You try to be happy, you try to focus on school and on music. You are on and off and on and off with the same boy. You are 17. You still don't know what you want. You think you do. He knows you don't. It is toxic. You question your worth and you lose yourself. You do not love yourself anymore.
You make new friends senior year. They show you what it's like to have fun again. They make you happy. You love them and they love you and it's real, genuine, "I care about you" love. You graduate. Your mom isn't in the audience. Your friends support you and you get through it with them by your side. You realize that your senior summer is coming to an end and you're all going in separate directions. You have a breakdown. You ask your mom what to do. She can't answer.
You move away from the house that your mother made home. You are in constant contact with your friends. You don't feel that you have lost them because you haven't. They are still there. You are okay. You're still on and off and on and off with a boy who you thought you needed. You don't need each other anymore...he knows it, you do not.
It's summer again and you spend every night with your friends. You find that you're spending less time crying and mourning, more time loving and laughing. You ask yourself why you couldn't let yourself be happy in high school. You realize he was holding you back. You were holding yourself back. You do not need to lean on anyone anymore.
You return to college for your sophomore year. It's been four years since your mom died. It's been four years since you met him. You are starting to love your life again. You are starting to lose contact with him. You begin to reconnect with old friends and you talk every day. You never lost contact with your friends from senior year. They never make you feel like you're losing them. They are always there.
You talk to him. You end it for good. You let go.
You focus on school, you focus on your friends, you focus on yourself. You get a tattoo, you fall in love with a musical, you practice yoga, and you read. You find the 15-year-old who has been trying to show herself since sophomore year of high school.
You meet someone who challenges you in a good way. He is smart and kind and he loves to read as much as you do. He listens to your music and he doesn't complain. You spend more and more time together and he never once makes you question your worth. He makes you feel proud to be who you are.
You realize that for four years you were trying to fill a hole in your heart. You were leaning on someone in hopes that he would take away the pain. You realize that the pain will never go away completely and you can't rely on another person to take away the sadness that is in your heart. You realize that you were fifteen and you were much too young to know what you wanted. You realize that you were so scared to lose him because you had completely lost yourself.
You go outside and look at the stars and you talk to your mom. You know she can't answer but that's okay because this time, you don't have any questions. This time, you want her to know that you're happy. This time, you want her to know that you know who you are. You know she can see that you love yourself again. You feel her warm smile even though she isn't there.
I am grateful to have had my high school boyfriend to lean on for four years. I'm not saying that he was a bad person, I'm saying it was a bad relationship because I was not in any condition to BE in a relationship. I tried to fill a void that could not be filled with anyone but my mom. I lost myself in the process.
I hope that if you are lost, you find yourself and you love yourself before you try to love someone else. You are beautiful and you are worthy of self-love. Do not let another person cloud that vision.
You are 15. Your mom lost her battle to breast cancer in August, you started your sophomore year of high school the next week. You get through the days forcing a smile and focusing on school. Inside, you are empty. You are lost. You are numb. You are questioning your purpose. You. Are. Fifteen. You don't know what you want.
You start talking to a boy. He is a family friend, he is kind, he is there. You begin to lean on him. You start dating him. You think you are in love. You think you are happy.
At night, you are lost. You are numb. You're still fifteen. You still don't know what you want.
Your boyfriend graduates and you are trying to grasp onto him. You can't handle another loss so you try to control the situation. The relationship begins to turn into a negative spiral of mutual mean words, tears, and more heartbreak.
You hold on because you attached yourself. You hold on because you don't know what life is like without him and without your mom at the same time. You go outside at night and look at the stars and you cry. You ask your mom how to get through this. You ask her what to do. You break down at the realization that she can't answer you.
The next two years of high school fly by. You try to be happy, you try to focus on school and on music. You are on and off and on and off with the same boy. You are 17. You still don't know what you want. You think you do. He knows you don't. It is toxic. You question your worth and you lose yourself. You do not love yourself anymore.
You make new friends senior year. They show you what it's like to have fun again. They make you happy. You love them and they love you and it's real, genuine, "I care about you" love. You graduate. Your mom isn't in the audience. Your friends support you and you get through it with them by your side. You realize that your senior summer is coming to an end and you're all going in separate directions. You have a breakdown. You ask your mom what to do. She can't answer.
You move away from the house that your mother made home. You are in constant contact with your friends. You don't feel that you have lost them because you haven't. They are still there. You are okay. You're still on and off and on and off with a boy who you thought you needed. You don't need each other anymore...he knows it, you do not.
It's summer again and you spend every night with your friends. You find that you're spending less time crying and mourning, more time loving and laughing. You ask yourself why you couldn't let yourself be happy in high school. You realize he was holding you back. You were holding yourself back. You do not need to lean on anyone anymore.
You return to college for your sophomore year. It's been four years since your mom died. It's been four years since you met him. You are starting to love your life again. You are starting to lose contact with him. You begin to reconnect with old friends and you talk every day. You never lost contact with your friends from senior year. They never make you feel like you're losing them. They are always there.
You talk to him. You end it for good. You let go.
You focus on school, you focus on your friends, you focus on yourself. You get a tattoo, you fall in love with a musical, you practice yoga, and you read. You find the 15-year-old who has been trying to show herself since sophomore year of high school.
You meet someone who challenges you in a good way. He is smart and kind and he loves to read as much as you do. He listens to your music and he doesn't complain. You spend more and more time together and he never once makes you question your worth. He makes you feel proud to be who you are.
You realize that for four years you were trying to fill a hole in your heart. You were leaning on someone in hopes that he would take away the pain. You realize that the pain will never go away completely and you can't rely on another person to take away the sadness that is in your heart. You realize that you were fifteen and you were much too young to know what you wanted. You realize that you were so scared to lose him because you had completely lost yourself.
You go outside and look at the stars and you talk to your mom. You know she can't answer but that's okay because this time, you don't have any questions. This time, you want her to know that you're happy. This time, you want her to know that you know who you are. You know she can see that you love yourself again. You feel her warm smile even though she isn't there.
I am grateful to have had my high school boyfriend to lean on for four years. I'm not saying that he was a bad person, I'm saying it was a bad relationship because I was not in any condition to BE in a relationship. I tried to fill a void that could not be filled with anyone but my mom. I lost myself in the process.
I hope that if you are lost, you find yourself and you love yourself before you try to love someone else. You are beautiful and you are worthy of self-love. Do not let another person cloud that vision.
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
Happiness
Hello friends! It has been far too long since I've blogged about something happy, so here I go.
I have so much to be thankful for that I'm not even sure I'll be able to write all of it down. So far, 2016 has been filled with the most incredible thing--happiness!!!
First of all, my second year in Omaha has been so much better than I imagined. I've met the best people, my dog is here, my cat is here, and this place feels more and more like home every day. I'm taking classes that have reinforced my love for children and books. I got a 93% on a math test (that one's for you, Grandpa!), and I'm learning about things that I genuinely want to learn about.
I have the best job on the planet. I am incredibly grateful to have met Carrie and her two wonderful children. We learn together, we struggle with math together, we read together, we spell together, and we have so much fun. They teach me more than I teach them--lessons of creativity, patience and kindness. I beam when I see the love in their eyes when they play with my dog. Those kids make me a better person every day! I have a pretty good feeling my mom had a hand in placing them into my life.
My roommates! Never did I ever think this living situation would work as well as the way it has. Sometimes they drive me crazy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Movies and late night trips to Bucky's are a couple of my favorite things! The best part is that I always have someone to talk to and I never feel alone. We just click and we are completely honest with each other. It doesn't hurt that the boys are always willing to kill spiders in the kitchen. These people are my family and I love them.
My FRIENDS! Even the ones that live 4 hours away...know that I love you so much and I could not handle the tough days without you. Chances are, if you are in a group chat with me and I'm asking you for boy advice constantly (like every 5 minutes, let's be real), I consider you one of the very best friends I have. I can't forget to mention the new friends that I've met this year. I'm shy and I'm not very good at meeting people, but somehow I've come across some really great ones. Two of you are getting married in the next couple of years and I am SO excited to stand beside you. Sierra, my mom will be there beaming down at you. I know she is so proud of who you are. Molly, she would have loved to meet you and I know she's so glad we are friends. Ugh, I love weddings and I'm tearing up thinking about it. There are so many people who have added to my list of reasons to smile lately. Thank you, friends...you know who you are. :)
I miss my mom so much and I would do anything to have her here with me. Still, as I am finding myself and becoming more confident each day, I'm seeing all of the things she would be proud of me for. I'm musical, I'm kind, I'm intuitive, I'm compassionate. I'm freakin' smart!!!! Thanks Momma, for helping me become who I am. There is so much less crying these days and there are so many more smiles.
I have so much to be thankful for that I'm not even sure I'll be able to write all of it down. So far, 2016 has been filled with the most incredible thing--happiness!!!
First of all, my second year in Omaha has been so much better than I imagined. I've met the best people, my dog is here, my cat is here, and this place feels more and more like home every day. I'm taking classes that have reinforced my love for children and books. I got a 93% on a math test (that one's for you, Grandpa!), and I'm learning about things that I genuinely want to learn about.
I have the best job on the planet. I am incredibly grateful to have met Carrie and her two wonderful children. We learn together, we struggle with math together, we read together, we spell together, and we have so much fun. They teach me more than I teach them--lessons of creativity, patience and kindness. I beam when I see the love in their eyes when they play with my dog. Those kids make me a better person every day! I have a pretty good feeling my mom had a hand in placing them into my life.
My roommates! Never did I ever think this living situation would work as well as the way it has. Sometimes they drive me crazy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Movies and late night trips to Bucky's are a couple of my favorite things! The best part is that I always have someone to talk to and I never feel alone. We just click and we are completely honest with each other. It doesn't hurt that the boys are always willing to kill spiders in the kitchen. These people are my family and I love them.
My FRIENDS! Even the ones that live 4 hours away...know that I love you so much and I could not handle the tough days without you. Chances are, if you are in a group chat with me and I'm asking you for boy advice constantly (like every 5 minutes, let's be real), I consider you one of the very best friends I have. I can't forget to mention the new friends that I've met this year. I'm shy and I'm not very good at meeting people, but somehow I've come across some really great ones. Two of you are getting married in the next couple of years and I am SO excited to stand beside you. Sierra, my mom will be there beaming down at you. I know she is so proud of who you are. Molly, she would have loved to meet you and I know she's so glad we are friends. Ugh, I love weddings and I'm tearing up thinking about it. There are so many people who have added to my list of reasons to smile lately. Thank you, friends...you know who you are. :)
I miss my mom so much and I would do anything to have her here with me. Still, as I am finding myself and becoming more confident each day, I'm seeing all of the things she would be proud of me for. I'm musical, I'm kind, I'm intuitive, I'm compassionate. I'm freakin' smart!!!! Thanks Momma, for helping me become who I am. There is so much less crying these days and there are so many more smiles.
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