It's Quiet Uptown

Things I miss

My grandma -- so much. She would have been 90 on the 15th of December. What a cool woman she was. She encouraged education and intelligence. She was and always will be the root of my love for music. Her birthday reminds me of her smile, her laugh, and her sarcasm.

https://youtu.be/OiPkhHh0ZoE
Her love for the piano was fascinating and inspiring. What a beautiful soul she was.

The house I spent my childhood in - We moved out so long ago but it doesn't seem that way. My diapers were changed in that house. I learned to play the piano in that house. I played with my first dogs and cats in that house.

My cousins and I made a clubhouse out of a chicken house in the yard.
I played on a tire swing for hours.
I laid in the hammock with my cats (sorry, cats) and looked up at the sky through the trees. I'll remember that view forever.
I threw up in my sister's room (sorry, Linds) all over the carpet.
I watched cartoons on the little green TV in the kitchen every morning.
I waited for the bus with my cousins.
I watched my grandpa in the garden.
I watched my mother plant flowers and decorate for every season.
I had numerous tea parties (with myself) on the front deck.
I learned how to ride my bike in the long, gravel driveway.
I played basketball in the barn.
I explored in the silo (probably dangerous but hey I was a farm kid).
I chose to paint my room cotton candy pink, a decision I would later regret after eating too much of it at the circus.
I took showers in the huge, dark basement when we were remodeling the bathroom upstairs. My mom made me wear water shoes (Thanks, Mom. I would have lost my feet).
When the farm flooded, I watched the basement fill with water and I watched the cat look down at his impending death (he survived. What a drama queen.)
My childhood birthdays and holidays were spent in the dining room.
My mom created the home that I loved so much in that old farmhouse.
I miss that house and I look away every time I drive by - it hurts to know that it's gone.



Momma - I wish I could put into words how much I miss her. So many things remind me of her.
Today, I looked at my own hands and saw hers. I would do anything to see her hands dash across the keys of our piano. I miss the way she tapped her fingers on the counter, on the table, on the steering wheel.

I miss her voice. She called me Bubble and told me she would love me always and forever.
I miss the smell of her perfume. She always smelled like flowers and spice.
I miss Pat Metheny, her soundtrack of choice. I know so many songs by heart.
I miss the way she would get mad at me for taking selfies with my tongue out (why did I do that? Ew).
I miss her handwriting.
I miss the mornings she would drive me to school.
I miss calling her. I still have her number saved in my phone...I don't have it in me to delete it. Even if I did, I know I'll have it memorized for the rest of my life.
I miss the way she tucked me in at night.
I miss the way she would take FOREVER to do her hair in the morning.
I miss her funny faces.
I miss her laugh.
I miss her smile.
I miss her. I love her. So much of me is made up of who she was. She lives on through my voice, she lives on through my music, she lives on in my heart.

I've been emotional this holiday. This song is partly responsible, but it feels good to cry sometimes. If you're grieving, I hope this song is as therapeutic for you as it has been for me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCJ-9D54lOI
(A little background so it makes a little more sense...Hamilton the Musical follows the biography of Alexander Hamilton. This song takes place after the death of his son, Philip, and illustrates the grief of Alexander and his wife.)

"There are moments that the words don’t reach
There is suffering too terrible to name
You hold your child as tight as you can
And push away the unimaginable
The moments when you’re in so deep
It feels easier to just swim down"

"There are moments that the words don’t reach
There is a grace too powerful to name
We push away what we can never understand
We push away the unimaginable"

Happy birthday! You have MS.

Multiple Sclerosis and What It Means for Me

I haven't written in a really long time but I wasn't exactly sure how to share this news any other way.

I'm going to start from the beginning for those of you who haven't been informed. Back in July of 2014, I woke up and noticed my left arm felt a little funny. The best way I can describe it is half-asleep but still totally useable. I still had feeling in my arm but couldn't feel texture as well. For example, I couldn't really tell the difference between the way my hair felt and the way my clothes felt. This feeling progressed until it was basically consuming my left side from the waist up, and then regressed until it was just in the tips of my fingers. I talked to my aunt about it (Nancy, I seriously don't know what I would do without you. You are an angel.) and we decided it would be a good idea to see my doctor. She referred me to a neurologist, who then sent me to get an MRI of my brain and of my spinal cord. Once he had seen the results, he decided to send me to a Multiple Sclerosis specialist. All of this happened in a period of about a week and I really didn't understand.

Basically, the MRIs revealed that I had "scars" on both my spinal chord and my brain. This was a hard pill to swallow for my dad and I. We've both spent so much time in hospitals over the last 10 years and because of my mom, we automatically assumed the worst. She had breast cancer, but eventually it spread to her brain. She had to have the tumor removed and it was one of the scariest days of our lives. When I got the call from my neurologist, I broke down in the middle of the UNO library (thanks for letting me sob on your shoulder Lisa).

When I saw the specialist, he wasn't ready to diagnose me with MS. He could see scars that suggested MS and the "numbness" in my arm was also an indicator, but without more proof, he couldn't make a diagnosis. (p.s. the numbness in my arm had subsided by this point)

Fast forward to last Wednesday. I took a hot bath and noticed that my arm felt the same numbness that I had felt in July. Panicked.

Fast forward again to today (June 4, THE DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY). Another MRI and an appointment with my specialist. The numbness in my arm has decreased and is strongest in my fingers. My specialist says heat often "wakes up" an old MS attack, which would explain the numbness I feel now. This isn't dangerous and does no damage, may just be kind of annoying. A few more scars have appeared on my brain and I have been officially diagnosed with Relapsing-Remitting Multiple Sclerosis.

1. a chronic, typically progressive disease involving damage to the sheaths of nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord, whose symptoms may include numbness, impairment of speech and of muscular coordination, blurred vision, and severe fatigue.

So what does it mean for me? Well, I'm not really sure. It's really confusing and scary for my dad and I. We are happy to have an answer but not so happy with the answer. Right now we are looking at treatment options. There is no cure for MS, but medication will slow progression, basically increasing the time between "attacks." As of right now, the disease is mild. We hope it stays that way.

I couldn't be more thankful for my incredible support system. These things can be really difficult without my momma by my side, though I know she is with me always. Also I apologize that all of my posts are so depressing. This was the best way I knew how to share.