The Importance of Friendship

I could never thank my friends enough for all of the things they have gotten me through in high school. There are so many people I should thank, but the significance of these people stands out to me in this moment:

1. Teresa Godwin-

Teresa has not only been my youth group leader and Sunday school teacher for as long as I can remember, she's been a friend and inspiration to me when I needed it most. I haven't been attending church or youth group as much as I should be lately for a lot of reasons, but I know she is someone who will always be there for me. I am more than thankful for that. I <3 YOU!

2. Heather Newman-

The first thing I have to say about Heather is that there is NO ONE that gives better hugs than she does. She may be the sweetest, most caring person I know. I've talked to her about things that I couldn't talk to with anyone else. I trust her and she has always been there for me, even in my darkest moments. You're the best Heather. (:

3. Maren Mae-

Maren McNees gives the best advice. Seriously. She has helped me through boy issues, bad days, and everything else. We have a similar sense of humor and she can seriously make me laugh for hours on end. We have about a thousand inside jokes and if I ever needed anyone to cheer me up, I'd go to her first. I think we may even have our own language? I love you Mar (:

4. Lauren Krogman-

Well, I don't remember when Lauren and I became friends but we're pretty tight. We're sarcastic and we really sometimes hate each other but not really. She can cheer me up and well we both suck at math and Spanish so I never feel alone. Thanks for always bein there Lauren, love ya. (:

5. Lexi Allen-

Hahahahaha is all I can say to describe our relationship. Lex supports my decisions and it seems like we always have the same opinions on things. This year we've become closer than we ever have been. I'm so thankful that she stuck out choir with me. Lexi might be the funniest girl I know and I love her for that. LOVE YA LEX. (:

6. Lisa Gearheart-

Lisa and I have a bond that I can't even explain. We just GET each other, and we always have. She is always there for me. We vent to each other like no one's business. I can talk to Lisa about ANYTHING, and I admire her for her strength and intelligence. Lis I love you, and you are truly a best friend to me.

7. Haley Wright-

Haley and I have grown apart since our freshman year, but I'll never forget all of the memories we've made. She's always been there for me and I know that even today if I needed her, she would be there. My mom loved Haley like she was my sister, and I know she's looking down on the both of us. I love and miss you Haley.

8. Sierra Smith-

Things happened over the past year that forced us to grow apart, but I will always love Sierra like a sister. We've laughed and cried our way through middle school and high school together. Sierra understood things about me that no one else could, and we built a trust that will never be broken. I'll always love you Sierra, and I hope you know that I'm always here.

9. Monica Witzman-

Monica has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. I don't think we've ever been mad at each other besides the time I blew her off in 6th grade. We have the funniest relationship, and I tell her everything. She probably knows more about me than anything, and I even know what she orders at McD's. When we hang out, we don't even have to do anything. We always end up laughing about something, even if there's nothing to laugh about. I'll always love you gurl, and I hope we will always be as close as we are now. (:

10. Alicyn Reimer-

Even though we don't see each other very often, I consider Ali one of my best friends. She's pretty much been my role model since I was born, even when she was going through her boy stage. She is always honest with me and I know she would never judge me. She makes me laugh harder than anyone else and well, we're just weird. It runs in the family. I LOVE YOU CUZ.

11. Lindsay Landgraf-

What would I do without my sister? We get mad at each other and we argue and we overreact, but I wouldn't want it any other way. My sister has turned into someone that I could never, ever live without. It seems like we get closer and closer every year. Even though she lives across the country, we find ways to stay close. Lindsay, you're my best friend and I couldn't ask for a better big sister. I love you so much.

12. Lillie Zablocki-

Where to start? Lillie and I's friendship really started after my mom passed away. This being said, she has always understood my feelings. No one gets our sense of humor but us. Seriously, no one. It's ugly sometimes. I've never cried in front of any of my friends more than I have Lillie. I trust her more than anyone in the entire world. I can't imagine my life without her or her family. It's safe to say we are pretty much sisters, and I can't thank her enough for all she has done for me. Even if college takes us in completely opposite directions, I know we will always be best friends. I love you more than you know, Lill. You're the best. <3 <3 <3.

I Love You

"I love you."

Three simple words. Three simple, powerful words that I never said enough.

My mom asked me every day when I got home how school was. I always said the same thing. "Fine." Sometimes it wasn't fine. Sometimes boys hurt my feelings. Sometimes my friends and I weren't getting along. Still, I said the same thing. I'd give anything now to tell her every detail.

I'd do anything to tell my mom how much she meant to me. To be completely honest, we didn't get along a lot of the time. We would argue, I'd slam my door and text my friends explaining how unfair my mom was being. But I'm a teenager. How else am I supposed to treat my mom, right? Daughters and mothers don't get along. That's the way it's supposed to be. Except I would do anything to take it all back. I would do anything to hug her and tell her how much I loved her.

When I found out my mom only had a few hours left, I knew I had to talk to her. I didn't know if she could hear me, but either way, I needed to let her know how I felt. I went into her room that afternoon and told her I was sorry. I couldn't bring myself to tell her all of the reasons why, just that I was sorry. I was sorry that I didn't tell her I loved her every single day. I was sorry for all the times I slammed my door. I was so sorry that I wasn't more understanding when she hurt so much from the cancer treatment. I was sorry I didn't spend more time with her. I was sorry I couldn't help her...I was sorry I couldn't take away the hurt. I was sorry I was disappointed when she couldn't come to my concerts because she didn't feel up to it. I was sorry I didn't care more than I did. Mostly, I was sorry I couldn't take it all back and start over. I was sorry she would never know how much she meant to me.

If you're reading this, please tell your mother how much you love her. Tell her EVERY DAY how much she means to you and how much you appreciate everything she does for you. I wish I had known how important it was. I wish I could do the same.


You were the best mom to me I could have ever asked for. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you enough. I love you Momma, always and forever.

Kindness

Growing up, I spent a lot of time in the lobby of DeLong Sportswear. My mother worked as a secretary there until it closed when I was in middle school. She spent most of her time typing, but whenever someone walked through the front doors, you can bet she knew who they were.

My mom knew the names of every single person that worked in or around DeLong. She always made it a priority to ask the UPS man how his day was going or how his wife was doing. She looked forward to talking to the employees as they left the building. Most importantly, my mother always smiled.

I know how important it is to smile at each and every person that walks past you in the halls. I know what it feels like to be the girl who's too afraid to look up because she's afraid she'll break down and cry. Maybe the quiet boy walking towards you is having the worst day, but he's too scared to tell anyone. If someone had taken the time to look at me and smile when I was upset...I can't even explain how much that would have changed my day. A simple smile has the power of a thousand words.

We have to find it in ourselves to step up and be the kindest people we can be. If this means you strive to smile at each and every student that passes you in the hall tomorrow, do it. Do it for the sad girl moping through the halls. Do it for the shy boy who's too scared to stand up for himself. Do it for you.

I do it because I know my mom is looking down on me smiling at the strong, happy young lady she taught me to be, and honestly...that's all I need.

(:

Two Years

I haven't written a blog post for a long time. Most of you have probably forgotten it even exists. Let me explain.

The last couple of months have been rough for me. I can't explain how or why the sad feelings come flowing back, they just do. Some days I go through the motions without actually understanding what's going on around me. All I can think about is the fact that my mom has been gone for two years and sometimes, it hurts the same way it did on August 12, 2011...and I don't want to talk about it. But I will.

Two years...two years ago my mother died and I held her hand. Two years ago, I attended a funeral I shouldn't have had to attend so early. Two years ago, I rode to the cemetery in the biggest funeral precession I'd ever seen. Two years ago...my closest friends hugged me and we all cried our eyes out as the burial came to an end. There were no words..none needed to be spoken. As my family and I were preparing to leave, my friend Travis hugged me and said, "I'm so sorry." In that moment, I realized something. I was experiencing a nightmare I'd seen in the movies a thousand times. My life had suddenly become a movie in the "Tragedy" section at Mr. Movies. Two years ago...I became the girl that lost her mom at 15.

Now I'm 17. Maybe two years doesn't sound like a long time, but I would give anything to talk to my mother for two minutes. This is my senior year. I have decisions upon decisions to make and to be completely honest, I'm terrified. I will always have never-ending support from my family and friends, but the only person I feel like I really need advice from is my mom. She always knew what to say. She always knew what was right for me. I miss her so much that I can't put it into words. Two years ago, my life changed in a thousand ways..and it's still changing.

Maybe I feel lost right now, but I know it will get better. With such a special woman watching over me...how could it not?

To those of you that may be upset that I haven't talked to you about the way I'm feeling, please don't take it personally. I will always have a hard time expressing my feelings, and this is the best way I know how to do so.

Music in Me

One year ago today, my cousin, my grandma and I took a trip to the Lewis Cemetery. Memorial Day was the day the three of us would visit all of our family members. Whether it be my grandpa, who passed away when I was in 2nd grade, or my great grandma Effie, we delivered flowers to each gravestone and my grandma made sure we knew exactly who we were honoring.


In October, my grandma, Margery Alice Johnson, passed away. It felt unreal placing flowers next to her grave this Memorial Day. Even so, I replayed the many stories she told in my mind. My grandma was the wisest woman I've ever known. The people of Atlantic knew her as the Democrat. I'm proud to be the granddaughter of "the Democrat." She always told me, "Now, focus on your studies Hannah. No boys." Obviously I haven't exactly stuck to that advice, but it's important to keep it in the back of my mind. School comes first.


In second place, though, comes music. Music has been a huge part of my life for as long as I can remember. I started taking piano lessons when I was very young, and to be honest, I hated it. I loved playing the piano, but I didn't exactly like practicing... and I definitely didn't like the theory homework. Eventually, my parents allowed me to quit taking lessons. My grandma was heartbroken. She played piano her whole life, and even in her 80s, she loved to perform during church services. My mother took after her. She played like a pro, and was disappointed when I quit. Of course, I never actually stopped playing. To this day, I can sit at the piano and play for hours. It's the most relaxing, calming way for me to let out my feelings.


I'm so thankful that I never stopped playing. It's a connection to my mother and my grandmother that I will always cherish. Music runs through my veins like blood, and I am so blessed to have it in my life. That being said, I added band to my senior year schedule about a week ago. I thought it over for a long time. My mom always wanted me to play percussion, but of course, being the rebellious 7th grader that I was, I chose the clarinet. I quit after my freshman year. The band director, Mr. O'Donnell, finally convinced me to join again. This time, I would be a percussionist.


I missed the instrumental music in my everyday life. Even though I am in choir, I know my mom and my grandma are proud of me knowing that I'm doing this for them.

Another plus? I don't have to march at band camp.

Only Two

I've spent a lot of time thinking about what to write in this post. I've spent a lot of time thinking about THIS post.

Part of the reason I've been fighting myself over writing about my dad is because, well, he reads this blog. But the angel on my shoulder won the argument, and I concluded that no matter what I write, he'll be proud of me.


When reality set in that my mom was going to die, I was really freaked out. Not only because she would no longer be in my life, but because I would spend the rest of my high school career living only with my father. This is a scary thought. How many girls can say they feel comfortable talking about their period and bra size with their dad? Not many. I realized that my dad would have to register me for school, clean the house, do my laundry, cook dinner, go grocery shopping, go CLOTHES SHOPPING, and call the school when I was sick. He had never done most of these things.

Let me tell you a little about my dad. He's 60, and he's slightly deaf. He would never admit it, of course. He is a soft spoken man, but he's very funny if you get to know him. He pretends to hate my pets (they shed, bark, meow, and eat a lot), but I know deep down, he loves them like he loves me (because I do those things too). He's friendly. There isn't one person my father couldn't get along with. Even though sometimes he doesn't understand exactly what I'm going through, and even though he doesn't always know what to say, I know he will always be there for me no matter what. He would do anything for me, and that's very hard to come by. He calls me every day after school to make sure I'm home and safe, and he always tries to stay awake if he knows I'll be out late. He never forgets to say, "Night Han!"


No, we don't always get along seamlessly. I don't exactly keep my room clean, which he doesn't like. I don't exactly vacuum. And my bathroom counter....well, I'm a teenage girl okay? When he gets mad at me for having a dirty room or falling in love with a stray cat, it's hard for me to keep calm. I get upset because these are the things my mom enforced when she was here. Really, though, I'm a pretty good kid, and I think he is truly thankful for that.


Every day, my dad gets better at being both parents. I can't express how much I appreciate the things he does for me. I'm extremely lucky to have such a sweet, kind-hearted man as a father.


I know my momma is smiling down on us every single day...and she's holding my hand when I tell him I need tampons.

Dear Momma

If I could talk to her now...

Hi Momma.

I miss you so much. There aren't words to describe how much I wish you were still with me. There are so many things I'm afraid to experience without you. I don't know how to explain the way it feels knowing that you won't be there to help me get ready for prom. You won't be able to attend my graduation. When I move out, you won't be there to teach me (again) how to do laundry. When I get married, you won't be teary eyed in the front row. I can only hope that you'll still be there somehow. My own children will never meet their grandma. You'll never be able to read to them like you read to me.

It's hard to go into your bedroom and see the place you used to sleep. It's empty now. One of my favorite memories takes place in your bedroom. You were sick, but you were still you. I would come home from school and sit by your bed. I would tell you about my day, and you would ask questions or give me advice. Marlo would sit on the edge of the bed listening. He misses you too, Momma. It's been over a year since I've been able to talk to you. I'm so afraid that I'll forget what your voice sounds like. Sometimes I still sit by your bed and pretend nothing has changed.

We fought a lot the last few years of your life. When I say a lot, I mean it. If I could take back all of the things I said, I would. It was hard for me to understand that it was the medicine talking, not you. I wish I hadn't taken advantage of having such an amazing mother. I always find myself wishing all of this was just a dream, and I'll wake up to the sound of you talking to the bird in the living room.

There are so many things that remind me of you. When it snows, it seems like everyone in this town complains until it's gone. You, on the other hand, loved it. When it rained, you would go outside and listen. You would listen to the birds, the trees, the wind... you found the beauty in everything. I think that's what I admire the most.

People of all kinds came to you for help. You would listen and talk to each and every one of them. Whenever someone needed a friend, you were there. No matter where you were in life, everyone wanted to be your friend. Your funeral was packed full with all of the people that adored you. Each one of them misses you just like I do.

Even though you're gone now, I learn from you every day. I know you're watching over me and making sure I'm always moving in the right direction. I'm okay, Momma, even on the days when it seems like I'm not. It hasn't gotten easier, but I'm learning to cope. I think I'm getting stronger every day. I can't wait until I can see you again, Momma. I miss your hugs the most.

I love you always and forever,

Hannah

Healing the Wounds

Before I begin, let's get one thing straight: when someone dies, it's not easy. It's never easy.

It was just a regular day when I found out. I was in 5th grade; I wasn't old enough to fully understand. If I'm being completely honest, I still don't. What is it? How did she get it? Why? Is there some kind of reasoning behind it? Is it a punishment? Everyone is sad. Is she going to die? Thoughts and questions raced in my brain, but for some reason, I couldn't let myself cry.

My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer that day.

No doubt about it, I knew cancer was bad. I'd seen all the movies. You get cancer, and you die. It's as simple as that. But it wasn't. In reality, you don't get cancer and die. You get cancer and you fight. That, of course, wouldn't make a good movie. My mother was the strongest woman I'd ever known. Something inside of me was telling me she would fight through it, no matter how hard it was.


Sarah Jane (my mother) became a vegetarian. Her diet consisted of fruit, vegetables, the occasional fish, whole grains, vitamins, and Barley Max (literally the most disgusting drink imaginable. Think grass, hay, and prune juice combined). If it wasn't organic, we didn't eat it. With her diet, exercise, and surgery, my mom became one of the healthiest women I'd ever met. The cancer was no match to her incredible faith, strength, and hope.


Her health wasn't a problem for a long time. I went through middle school, and began my freshman year. I was in Miss Huggins' honors English class, and we were asked to write and present a voiced-over iMovie. I wrote mine about my mother and her fight with cancer. I ended with something along the lines of, "My mother, a woman who truly overcame cancer, is my hero." I presented it to the class, and I'd never been happier to share my mother's story. That day, I came home to my dad. He was never home when I got home from school. I walked into the house, and everything that happened after that is sort of a blur.


"Your mom has a brain tumor."


Sometime during that day, my mom started feeling very odd at work. Her hand-eye coordination was lacking. She found herself struggling to write. This, doctors concluded, was a seizure. It was later determined that she had a brain tumor. My mother would undergo brain surgery the next day in order to remove it. We drove to Omaha, and my sister rushed home. Everything happened so quickly. My sister and I slept in the waiting room at Jenny Edmundson Hospital that night.


I believe this is truly when I lost my mother. After her brain surgery, her personality was different. The way she dealt with stress was different. The way she spoke was different. She never wanted to go anywhere. Because the cancer was spreading, my mother was forced to begin radiation treatment. This contradicted a lot of what she believed. She never wanted this kind of treatment. Once she started, she regretted it. She lost all of her hair and she was always exhausted. She could only eat what she could keep down, which was very little. Her pain was always present. Not only in her, but in all of us.


It was August when my mom was admitted to the hospital in Atlantic. She was placed in hospice. Family from all over came home that day. My sister, dad, and I met with a nurse early that evening. She spoke the words I was dreading: "We're not sure how much time she has left. It could be days... most likely, it will be hours." I tried to hold it together. Really, I did. But in that moment, it was as if everything was crashing down on me. Realizing that your mother, your best friend, the one person you've always been able to talk to is dying? There's nothing worse than that.


That night was the worst night of my life.


We all stayed awake. We watched her as she lost her ability to speak clearly. She was miserable, and so were we. Eventually, she was in a coma. Her breathing became slower and louder. This was the most painful thing to watch. I'll always remember holding her hand, praying that somehow she would hold mine back. Her sickness had taken over, and the only thing I wanted was for my mother to be taken out of her misery.


The morning came. My mother was still breathing, something that none of us understood. I decided I wanted to talk to her. Yes, she was in a coma. Yes, she was breathing louder than I could even speak. I had cried so much that night, my voice was almost nonexistent. I wanted to speak to her anyway. I walked into the room and took a seat next to her bed. I looked at her. Even in all of her sickness, she was still as beautiful as she always had been. I held her hand, and I prayed that she could hear me. I'll always remember the last things I said to her. "Momma, I know you're in a lot of pain right now. I know you're waiting because you don't want to let go. I know it's scary, and I'm just as scared as you are. But it's okay to go now. I'll be okay. We'll all be okay, I promise. I love you so much, Momma." Of course, through the tears, it wasn't as clear as it sounds now.


That afternoon, my momma finally let go.


It was scary to realize that my mom wasn't going to be a part of my life that I could see anymore. She would never sleep in her bed again, she would never make my breakfast again, and she would never be able to plant flowers in the spring again. She couldn't tell me goodnight, and she couldn't call me "Bubble." She couldn't tell me that I would be her precious baby always and forever. That doesn't mean I'm not.


Losing my mom was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It affects me every single day. There isn't one day that goes by that I don't think about her. In all honesty, there isn't an hour that I don't think of her. Some days are worse than others. On those days, I don't want to talk to anyone. I want to sit in my room and cry... I just want my mom back. It's hard to describe how it feels to lose someone I was so close to. It's like there are wounds on my heart that won't heal. Sometimes, they're really painful and infected. Other times, it's like they're tiny paper cuts. I try to remember that she would want me to be happy. I'm very lucky to have family and friends that are constantly there for support. If I didn't have them, I wouldn't have anything.


I'm still thankful for all of the things I'm blessed with. My family, friends, a home to live in, food, a warm bed... all of the things we try not to take advantage of. Most of all, I'm thankful to have the strongest, most amazing woman that ever walked on this earth watching over me. I hope that one day I can be just as amazing as she was... just as amazing as she is.

No, it's not easy to lose someone. It's still not easy for me. That's why I'm so thankful she's always watching over me... healing the wounds.